Why I Chose Not To Take An MBE
What happened after I received an email from the cabinet office on my sabbatical...
On 22nd April – about three weeks into my sabbatical, whilst (real talk) lying butt naked on the bed after a swim – I received an email on the patchy wifi at my hotel in Egypt.
In Confidence: Letter From The Cabinet Office
If you’ve been following me or my work, you’ll know I’ve spent years working to make our online spaces safer. So I’m probably a little accustomed to thinking emails from purported government sources are fakes. Some sort of scam? Or my first thought: Priti Patel’s department has emailed me while I’m in Egypt – what have I done?! But no, it was real. It was a message from the cabinet office that they want to recommend putting me on the Queen’s Honours list.
My first reaction was: oh shit! In auto-pilot I called my boyfriend and whispered into the phone, “I’ve just been offered an MBE!”. There was some level of excitement – reactive, almost a bit of a shock. But it wasn’t an immediate, definitive understanding of what to do. I was messaging friends, asking their advice, which ended up on a Google Meets link, like a proper conference call (you can take the CEO on a sabbatical, but you can’t take the CEO out of the girl).
Four days earlier, as I was boarding the plane to Egypt, I felt something and my body was saying to me: you’re about to receive an award. I kid you not. This was after doing all the inward work on accolades and validation. It was as if my body was preparing me for it.
But I knew I couldn’t take it. Not because of what people (or Twitter) would think. It had to be about my integrity and my values. It wasn’t just because MBE quite literally has the word empire in it (ICYMI, MBE stands for: Most Excellent Order Of The British Empire…), but I was also having to figure out my stance on the Royal Family, and all the allegations that were coming through about Prince Andrew (connected with Jeffrey Epstein and the Ghislaine Maxwell trial), as well as the conversations around Megan Markle. Even if they were to take the word ‘empire’ out, could I even accept an award from this institution?
I needed to work out how to turn it down, in a way that’s respectful for those Black people who have taken it, because I didn’t want it to look like I was throwing shade at them. This is a personal choice.
And I chose to wait until after I’d come back from sabbatical to talk about it, specifically with Black media outlet, Black Ballad (you can watch my interview with them here – you just need to sign up, it’s a great platform), because it was a big decision and I didn’t want to have to deal another round with the Daily Mail.
After a conversation with Eva, my friend and COO of Glitch, who said “just see it for what it is.” So I took myself for a solo date in Egypt, to celebrate being recognised for “tackling online abuse”. I spoke to friends and family, and I got them to celebrate with me, without it having to be this whole big thing.
I guess what I was trying to figure out through this whole experience, and what I’m learning, is that success, validation and recognition doesn’t have to come from external forces. And specifically, institutions that are systemically opposed to my personal values. You have to be happy about what you’ve achieved and self-validate that first. Obviously it felt good to know that I, a Black woman of Nigerian heritage, who had started this journey after facing serious online abuse, was being recognised by the ‘highest office’.
I’ve taken my time writing this in a newsletter, especially in the wake of the Queen’s recent passing. It’s obviously a sensitive issue, but it doesn’t change my mind, my values or the reality of how the Crown has acted throughout history. We all view validation and success differently, and you’ve got to do whatever makes you feel good. Right in the deepest part of your gut. And you always know that feeling, and you can’t shake it.
So I’m here to declare: I am proud of my work, my achievements and my accolades. But staying true to my values and my integrity is so much more important than any award or medal.
PS: You might not be hearing from me for a few months – no, not another sabbatical (a girl can dream…) but we’ll be taking some time to take stock. I’ll be coming back to the newsletter later in the year – okay, maaaybe early next year – but I just wanted to say thank you so much for subscribing and taking the time to reluctantly adult with me!
